Q. Can we talk a little first about your cell phone.
A. It’s broken.
Q. Do you blame your cell phone for your recent troubles?
A. What do you think? I send a simple SMS to (name deleted for privacy reasons), the wife reads it and I get smashed in the mouth with a 2 iron. Or it might have been a putter.
Q. Do you feel violated?
A. Well I wasn’t feeling anything for a while. But then about 60 million copies of a tricked up photo of me with my face all bashed up and a golf ball sticking out of my ear went viral. I mean epic viral.
Q. Do you have any advice for others out there wanting to keep a dozen or so mistresses?
A. Yes. Don’t have a cell phone and especially watch out for the ones with a GPS that tells people where you are. Don’t have a car with a GPS that records where you have been. Don’t have a MySpace page with anything on it. Don’t have a Twitter page and certainly don’t tweet. Don’t go to London, they have a CCTV camera for every 14 people. Careful what you search for on Google, they keep all your searches on file. Don’t choose mistresses with gmail accounts, gmail bots scan all email content and file it. Avoid tracking apps like Foursquare. Don’t buy your mistresses gifts online, e-commerce sites have long memories. Stay away from people with cameras/phones or you’ll soon hit the web in all sorts of compromising positions. If possible choose mistresses who have never been porn stars or nude models.
Q. Any advice on clothing?
A. Yes, get a range of ski masks in different colours and seasonal weights.
Q. Anything else?
A. Is this off the record? It won’t appear on some blog will it?
Q. Of course not.
Bill Bristow is a Partner at BCM
No comment (lest it incriminate me at a later date).