There’s a nasty rumour that I am algorithmist. This is simply not true. Algorithms make the world go round.

IF the sun is rising in the east THEN day is approaching. IF the clock says 3.00pm THEN my dogs want to be fed.

My son Sam and I used to write algorithms in BASIC for his school computing projects. We once even alphabetised a whole list of words at a single keystroke. Huge fun.

My beef is with algorithms that lurk on the dark side. Algorithms that work for the good of evil. The Tax Office’s computer has lots of algorithms waiting to pounce on the unwary whose data falls outside algorithmic criteria. IF deductible expenses increase by > 11.23361% THEN shoot off a please explain letter.

Pay an invoice leaving a zero balance and some faulty algorithm may send you an invoice a month later to pay $0.00. Fail to pay and the algorithm will trigger a mildly threatening letter to be followed some time later with a letter threatening court action. Algorithms have no mercy. Simply send a payment for $0.00 and the algorithm will slink off in search of another victim.

But there are a gazillion friendly algorithms that tell your watch if the month has 30 or 31 days. That figure out that the Brisbane (or Melbourne) you are looking for is in Australia, not the US. That advise Amazon to let you know that Dylan has a new album out soon because it knows you are a fan.

Goodness knows how many algorithms are in my car, adjusting the seat and mirrors to meet my likes; that know that IF the lumens entering the sensor fall below some predetermined level THEN turn the headlights on. And what the clever little fellas are doing inside my engine doesn’t bear thinking about.

And surely Google, Bing and Yahoo are up there as the world’s greatest algorithm wranglers. They know you better than your next door neighbour. They won’t waste your time giving you links to Dylan Thomas (that’s him pictured at the top) when it’s Bob Dylan you are after.

(That said, if you want to hear Richard Burton read of the “bible black, fishing boat, bobbing sea” in Under Milk Wood then go for it. But IF it’s, “traces of skipping reels of rhyme” for you THEN off to Amazon.com.)

But I am becoming obsessive now.

IF you start becoming algorithm obsessive THEN stop writing.

Check out these related posts:

1. The algorithm of life is a powerful beat